Since she left us

It has only been a week since she left us, but it feels more like a month. When she was here with us, not seeing her for a month would not have been the biggest deal. But it's different now. Not seeing her for a week makes me anxious. Not getting her random phone calls makes me anxious. I am anxious--without her.

I never knew she took up so much space in me. Although she and my other aunt, my mom and grandma and I got together every Saturday, because she was just always there, I didn't know what it's like to not see her and hear her. Now that she is gone, all the words that she used to say swirls in my head--over and over. It just really feels like she would actually say those words in person sooner or later. In other words, this feels like a joke. Yes, when I got a call from my dad at school telling me about this, I mourned and ran home. I could not believe it, but just those words that my dad said to me on the phone were painfully stabbed me. It stabbed my head, but not my heart. My head understood the horrible news, but my heart, my heart did not accept the truth.

When I arrived at the place, the place full of despair and emptiness, my legs started to tremble, then my hands, then I could not move. I approached her foot by foot, heavily and uneasily. There she was--looking right at me.

......

She was there.
But I could not approach further more.
That place, that moment, that scene...
It did not belong to her.

Photos credits to...http://www.flickr.com/photos/asv/2509441834/

Where do you belong?

Which country do you represent? What makes you the citizen of that country? What is it that you feel like the citizen of that country? What is it that you belong to that country?

Different but same questions lingered in my head after our homeroom class discussed about citizenship. As international students, citizenship is quite an important factor. Yes, it is true that KIS has 99% of Korean population (just the students). But many of us have double citizenships: US or another foreign country and Korea. But if you have to make a choice between those two, which one would you pick? Me? Well, before we had this discussion, I would have said “US, duh!” But now? It’s a little different.

I was born in Washington D.C. in 1991 because my father was a student there. My three years older sister, Kathy, however, was born in Korea. She is always jealous of me and tells me that I am luck to be born in United States. Well, what has US given to me till now other than other people’s jealousy?

Well, because I had the citizenship… I could get in the shorter line when you get the passport check. I could be valid for the financial aid when I go to college—but, I have yet took the advantage of it! I could, I could,… What else? Nothing really comes up to my mind. When I think of America, it’s a place of liberty and…shopping! Full of opportunities to do things freely! Yet, hard to get a decent job. But I still thought US as my home country just because I was born there.

I know a lot people who think the same way as me. Home country is something important but that should not be the only reason to become your “home.” If Korea has been a home to you for over 15 years, if Korea allowed you to experience stuffs, if Korea was the place of your youth, then shouldn’t it become prioritized? What really defines citizenship? I am baffled—really.

If you are a citizen of some place, I think, you should really be willing to pay back your country with your future job by contributing something. Even if you are thinking of studying in US college, you should go back to your home country and contribute with what you have learned and experienced.

Some people say they are the citizen of the world. Sure, why not? I visited Bangladesh for Habitat for Humanity. But I am not continuously helping the third world like Mr. Perron is. So which country do I belong to? I don’t know—not yet.

Where do you belong?

I belong to nowhere.



picture credits to...http://www.danschmoyer.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Confused-Pic.jpg