Maturity

If I became mature a little earlier, even just about 5 years earlier, things might have been different. Only through a little bit of maturity do I think that this quote by William Arthur Ward would touch one’s heart deeply: “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” Anybody can understand this quote, of course, but not everybody can realize the ignorance of itself. Prior to my story that I am going to tell, I want you to know that I am not a person that “expresses a lot.” In other words, my reactions to such situations are quite small, so it is hard to tell how I’m feeling most of the times. Maybe at this point, it would just be the best to quote “It’s not the situation. It’s your reaction to the situation.” But anyway, I never knew that my reaction or lack of expression could become something regretful.

My grandpa passed away 5 years ago on the 22nd of February. He suffered several illnesses and he couldn’t walk independently before he died. Almost all of the family members thought that it would be better off for him to just leave. Cruel to believe, but that was the truth. He was too sick all the time that it was hard to look at him. But maybe it was his illness that drifted my away from him, or his heavy face that he always had that discouraged me from talking to him. It was hard to approach him although I knew in my heart that he was the nicest person ever. He was just a grandpa that took care of the family quietly and supports the family like a “pillar” of the house. One day though, he called me with his husky voice and beckoned with his fragile hands. He could not talk well so it was hard to understand but I tried my best to listen. Grandpa told me about his own story when he was at my age and said that he understands what I am going through academically, socially and internally. He also said that he is sorry for being so cold to me all the time but that he loves me so much. And he went on telling me some things that I will remember for the rest of my life—some core life lessons. I couldn’t thank him anymore. But at that time I do remember that I didn’t say anything back but just listened to him. I bet he thought that I wasn’t listening. When he finished I just walked out of the room, a room that became a place where I would not have to walk in no more—because he passed away that night. And yes, I was a fool. I couldn’t say thank you to him nor ‘I love you too, grandpa.’ Those two words seemed to be the hardest thing to say.

Why did I hide my feelings? I wrapped my self up and tried not to show my emotions and expressions. My lack of expressions not only would have hurt grandpa’s feelings but remain as something that I would regret for my entire life. Just like the quote says, you should express your gratitude since the other person is surely would be waiting for you to say something—at least for a simple “thank you.” In that sense I love how Americans “habitually” say “thank you” for everything. Although I think it’s sometimes too much done, it is certainly better than Koreans’ introverted expression. Anyway, this incident has changed my personality almost 180 degrees since now I express my feelings a lot.

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